And Sometimes the Battle is Lost

“ He will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them. He feels pity for the weak and the needy and he will rescue them. He will save them from oppression and from violence, for their lives are precious to him.“ Psalm 72: 12-14

Today is one of those days of remembering someone who lost the battle—my husband and daughter’s father. He would have been 55 this year had he survived the fight. Dan struggled with addiction all his life. He had been abandoned and abused as a child, something he could never erase from his memory. He carried the shame of his family history compounded with the shame of the events of his life as a child and the decisions in his life as a man. 

And they were too much for him. 

The Big Book in AA has a saying: “there are those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.”

He was one of those. He was not rare though in a world of people in pain who feel unable to overcome, who feel as if they have no one to defend them and thus are too weak to rise up from the trauma. Peter A. Levine, who is associated with The Meadows, writes that “when it comes to trauma, no two people are exactly alike. What proves harmful over the long term to one person may be exhilarating to another.” He goes on to talk about the wide range of events in our early childhood that diminish our ability to cope and the judgment we often place on ourselves or that others place on us because of our inability to get past it.  (pgs 7-8) (Levine, 2008)

Levine describes trauma as being:  “about loss of connection—to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, to others, and to the world around us….We may simply sense that we do not feel quite right, without ever becoming fully aware of what is taking place; that is, the gradual undermining of our self-esteem, self-confidence, feelings of well being, and connection to life.” (pg 9)

I have seen others struggle with their addictions—seen addictions take over their lives before they knew what was happening. I have lost friends in recovery because they couldn’t grasp what they needed to do to turn the tide. And I have struggled with my own issues and wondered if ever I would stop repeating a pattern based on the trauma of my childhood. I am thankful to say: “but for the grace of God…” as I’m sure some of you may be saying to yourself reading this. 

So my daughter and I face today with some sadness knowing that eight years ago someone we deeply cared for lost his battle with trauma and addiction. We also face it knowing that God did finally release him from his pain and suffering and that he found new peace in the loving arms of a Jesus that he believed in. His inability to fight off the demons of his past doesn’t take away the simple fact that he believed in a power greater than himself, whom he called God and Jesus. That faith is what kept him alive through his many years of fighting his addictions. He had faith he would be healed, but for him the healing was often followed by relapse and more shame. 

Dan’s life and death reminds us what Luke wrote in Chapter 11:24-26: “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’  So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.” Even as believers we may still find that we have to keep fighting the fight. As Christians we need to be there for one another as we fight our behaviors and bad habits. That is how we will honor Dan today—loving others who struggle and knowing that sometimes the battle is harder for them than us, but that we all have a battle. A battle that as a community we can help each other through, with compassion and love.

Let us not judge what we perceive to be failure in another but rather embrace the potential for healing and stand with others to fight when they are too weak: FOR THEIR LIVES ARE PRECIOUS TO HIM!

 

Levine, P. A. (2008). Healing Trauma. Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Inc.

Released From Fear

FEAR: the single word that has driven many of the decisions of my life. Fear of being ignored. Fear of being alone. Fear of being hurt. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being loved. Simple fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.

I think you get the point!!

Job felt that fear: “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.  I have no peace, no quietness; have no rest, but only turmoil.” (Job 3:25-26) when the events of his life took over. 

That’s how I felt the night I walked into The Meadows over a year ago. I really had no idea what had brought me there other than a fear that had finally overtaken my life. I had reached a point where I could no longer make simple decisions out of the fear that I would be acting out of God’s will or that even if I was in God’s will, I would somehow screw it all up. 

At The Meadows they give you a little card to describe your feelings. For many of u we have stuffed our feelings under food, sex, drugs, alcohol, or work and we barely actually feel anything anymore. I think fear of feeling probably drives most of our irrational and unhealthy behaviors.

So my little card defines fear as “apprehension, overwhelmed, and threatened.” Yup, that pretty much described me. Add a bit of shame (embarrassment) and guilt (regret, contrite, and remorseful) and I can quickly become stuck in my feelings and unable to function or make wise choices.

Fear started early for mankind. In Genesis 3:9 Adam tells God he was afraid because he was naked and because he knew what he had done and that he soon would be discovered. Fear compounding fear. I think that we often fear that our behavior, no matter how minor, will soon be discovered. Admitting our situation to another is one of the scariest things to do, yet in James 5:16 we are told to: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” It is in sharing our behaviors and our fears with one another that we can find some peace and hope. I know who difficult it can be, what a humbling experience it is to admit my faults, my struggles, and my fears to others—and to ask them to pray with me through the pain. 

And somehow it is that simple step of honesty that can change everything. In seeking prayer, others can do for me what I can’t. They can see the light and can encourage me. They can share their faith and trust in God when I am shaken. Through sharing and praying I begin to see past the fear and have some hope. More importantly, I am released from the fear and any compulsive acts from the past. I can replace fear with joy, and peace. 

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5

The gift I left The Meadows with was one of friendship and love found in sharing our pain and our fears. Through these relationships I renewed my relationship with Jesus and his unconditional love and care for me. I pray that today you will find a person or group to share your fears with and that you may find release from fear. May your day be filed with gratitude and a feeling of grace and connectedness.

Nobody Said it Would be Easy

Many of you know that I’m a huge ice hockey fan. During Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals one of the players on the LA Kings when asked about the team’s performance (losses) the previous two games was heard to say: “Nobody said it would be easy.” You see for the LA Kings it had been a hard-fought year just to make it to the playoffs. They had their fair share of change—they were on their third coach for what had looked like a hopeless season. Something was holding the team back and a change in leadership seemed like the only thing to do.

And now they were in the Stanley Cup Finals having easily taken out three opponents. They came on strong and a sweeping win seemed to be a sure thing. But after winning three games in a row, they lost the next two to the NJ Devils. Here they were, back home in LA and the pressure was one to win the Cup in Game 6 and send the Devils home. 

They knew it wouldn’t be easy. Once again, something had to change. That night it was a change in attitude. Almost every player interviewed before the game spoke of a confidence they had in each other. They had to leave the shame of losing two games behind them and hit the ice as if it were a new day, a new game, and time to win!

It seems to me that’s how life is. Circumstances beyond our control happen. Sometimes things appear headed in the right direction when one misstep suddenly changes everything we expected to happen. We beat ourselves up over our mistakes, the  “would have, could have, should have beens” and may find ourselves stuck in our failure and trapped by what we call “shame” for not succeeding.

If we can simply remember that we are imperfect humans and there is one perfect God who grants us grace and forgiveness (1 John 1-10), maybe, just maybe we can chart a new course. We may feel as if we have lost everything, and yet in those moments of despair and frustration, we are reminded by the Apostle Paul that in Christ we can find new strength. 

 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Our pride may keep us from asking for help. Our pride may keep us trapped in the failure. When we are willing to hand over our imperfections to a perfect Christ, we can trust that he will take our fears, our pain, our disgrace, our shame and transform them into hope and joy. When we are willing to share our struggles with others, we can find encouragement. There will come a time when we no longer need to be held down by our shame. The message in Isaiah 54 is that we need not fear or live in shames but can be redeemed (restored) and set free by God’s grace. Jesus in Matthew 11:28 calls us to come to him  “all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light”

When we are united first with Christ, then with one another, great change and restoration can occur. We must set our lives in the direction that God is leading us and in doing so will be given the strength to make the changes we need to succeed with his plan. 

So what happened with the LA Kings? They came out with a renewed strength and confidence in their abilities in Game 6. They quickly took control of the ice and after 60 minutes of play we able to hoist the Stanley Cup as the 2012 champions. How did they do it? That renewed confidence they all spoke of for starters. One player said it was about taking small steps, winning one shift at a time. One said they had learned from their past experience and knew what needed to be changed. They faced the past and did what they needed to chart a new course. 

Just as in life, if we can pause and ask God to show us our character defects, he will help us to change the direction we are heading. Sometimes we too need a change in leadership. For me that leader is the Jesus. And by having a willingness to change, to accept new direction, we too can have renewed confidence and the strength and courage to take the next step forward—one at a time.

Taking Responsibility

One of the first principles of recovery that I learned is that I am responsible for me—for my decisions, my behavior, and the consequences (good or bad) of those actions. It is so much easier to point the finger at someone else, and at times it may seem justified, however, I have found that regardless of what someone else has done “to me” I am still responsible for my reaction.

“Do don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone.” (Galatians 6 (We Reap What we Sow)

Transformation starts with a recognition of our poor behavior and poor choices made as a result. We are not condemned to a life of repeating our reactions—change IS possible. Change is a process. For me, a large part of that process has involved finding God and accepting Jesus as my inspiration, my leader, and my salvation from a life of bad choices.

PiaMelody writes: “If I am honest and accountable, I will keep my word and commitments, accepting responsibility for my behavior without trying to justify it based on another s behavior. It is, of course, appropriate to confront the others behavior and to own our feelings about that behavior. It is very different to say, “When I witnessed this behavior, I had this feeling,” than to say, “Your behavior caused me to feel this or caused me to behave in this manner.” Inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. If my boundary system and self-discipline are so poor that I rage, demean, call names, etc., it is my responsibility to protect you from me. My emotional reaction to you or to a situation does not lessen my responsibility to be appropriate. Blaming and whining are close relatives. It is manipulation if I try to affect the outcome by blaming others or by trying to evoke pity so that I am not held accountable and consequences disappear.”  (Melody, 2004)  

So it gets down to CHOICES! Do I want to take responsibility? Do I want to ask for help? Do I want to do what it takes to be a different person today?And am I willing to protect my heart and my being by stepping away when I need to? Am I willing to walk away when my emotions get the best of me? Am I willing to choose my response?

I know that there will be days when I fall short. I am not perfect, remember? One thing I cannot be though is fearful. If I believe that God has set forth a path for redemption (release, recovery, salvation) and I have stepped onto that path, I have to trust that change will come. I must start by taking responsibility for my spiritual growth, making a commitment to change, and surrounding myself with new understanding are tools I can use to affect a change.And I have to trust that if the changes I am making are part of his will for me, that he will bless me and remove that fear. "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened." (1 Peter 3:13-14) I still need to break the chain of poor choices and bad behavior and trust that God is there with me.

I can’t do it alone. It takes relationships, guidance, and prayer. Today I pray that I will make right choices. Lord give me people who will hold me accountable and who will remind me that this is a journey that starts new every day. And I pray that I will remember that it is about grace and forgiveness that comes from a relationship with my Father.

Melody, Pia, (2004) Honesty and Accountability in Relationships, Recovery Becomes Reality, Retrieved from: http://www.piamellody.com/pdf/ML_Winter2004_Pia.pdf

Accepting the Change in Others

Galations 5:13-15 For you have been called to live in freedom—not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if instead of showing love among yourselves you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. (NLT)

Paul’s letters to the Galatians was about receiving God’s blessing by  fully accepting Jesus for their salvation. Paul told them that in Christ we are all free—free to live under God’s grace. And in that freedom we have one responsibility: Love one another. As partners, family members, friends of someone struggling with addiction or poor behavioral choices, it can be hard to remember to love one another as ourself. Just as the Galatians struggled with how to accept non-Jewish converts into the fold, friends of survivors may struggle with how to accept those in recovery—how to trust them again, how to love them without being hurt, and how to believe that God is changing them. Change is hard for everyone involved in this healing process. But if we can remember to start by accepting God’s love for us, then maybe we can just love those in the process of transformation until we can trust and believe again.

CHANGE

Change comes to us in many forms. Some planned—some unplanned. 

This has been a year of change for me. Change in my perspective. Change in where I live. Change in where I worship. Change in where I work. Most importantly – change in how I choose to live my life.  And in the midst of this change I see great new opportunities. 

One of the changes for me will include writing to this blog on a regular basis thanks to the encouragement of a good friend. I got out of the habit of writing for many reasons but now as I enter into phase two of a professional life—one that I hope will be honorable and fulfilling—I want to share my experience, strength, and hope with others. I also hope that those of you seeking or walking a life of transformation will share your stories with me and my readers. 

So what then is change and transformation?  Romans 12:2, which first inspired this blog, says that we should let God transform us into a new person by changing the way we think (See my Sept 2009 posting).  The American Heritage Dictionary defines change as: “a) to cause to be different, b) to give a completely different form or appearance, to transform.  In Jeremiah we are told the story of the potter and the clay. If we are willing to give up control, God can move in our life to change our behaviors and attitudes.  If we are willing to take action we can find a way to a fresh start. We can crush out those things that have trapped us and reshape our lives.

The Potter and the Clay (Jeremiah 18 )

The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, ² “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” ³ So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. ⁴ But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over.

⁵ Then the Lord gave me this message: ⁶ “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. ⁷ New Living Translation (NLT)

Transformation then involves an act of willingness. It doesn’t matter if one is talking about not drinking or drugging, about eating better, spending wisely, or simply developing a spiritual life that draws us closer to the Lord. The first step is to take the first step. 

Pia Melody (pg 68) writes that “everybody is imperfect. It’s the nature of the human being to be imperfect.” In Genesis 1:27 we are told: “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” We also learn that sin makes us imperfect. In Romans 7:15-24 Paul describes a place where most of us find ourselves—wanting to do better but falling short. Imperfect.

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. (New International Version)

I would posit that most of us have spent a fair amount of time striving for that original perfection and beating ourselves up for failing to meet the unattainable. So how then do we reconcile the gap between perfection and imperfection that is evident in our sometimes irrational behavior?  

Keith Miller in A Hunger for Healing wrote about the struggles he continued to have after committing his life to Christ. His imperfection. Miller describes the need to take responsibility for our behavior and how once can regain a sense of self through healing and a spiritual relationship with the Lord.

My hope is that in sharing my spiritual journey of transformation that others will step on the path with me and share their experience with others. I will draw from many sources, beginning at the beginning with the Word found in scriptures. I look forward to your comments, your sharing, and your support. 

Here we go!!!

References:

 http://www.piamellody.com/

 http://www.keithmiller.com/