Have you ever worked through an issue in your life and felt
that you had left a bad behavior in the past, only to have the memories of the
past surface, leaving you to question if you had indeed changed? Have you ever
had someone throw your past mistakes in your face, renewing your shame and causing
you to question your transformation? Has your recovery been questioned because
you aren’t the person that others think you should be?
It happens.
Inside we know that we are imperfect. We know we
have sinned. If we have done some 12 step work, we have looked our character
defects square in the eye and have done our best to make amends for our
actions. We know that we are a work in progress on the road to redemption and
restoration. We are still not perfect and we don’t have an eraser big enough to
wipe away all the things we have done in the past. We can’t erase the memories
from our own minds let alone those of our friends and family. But we also don’t
need to stay trapped there.
What we can do, according to Dr. Larry Crabb, is build
healing healthy relationships. The first relationship to establish is one with
God. For me that means a daily relationship with Jesus Christ. The relationship
with God is the purest of all relationships. There is no hiding our past. There
is no hiding our present struggles. There is, however, a supernatural love and
forgiveness that sets a foundation for how we interact with others in our life.
Clearly, God’s promise to give the whole
earth to Abraham and his descendants was based not on his obedience to God’s
law, but on a right relationship with God that comes by faith. (Romans 4:13)
People from our past have witnessed the
worst of times in our lives. We probably caused them a great deal of pain and
disappointment. They probably rescued us more than once and tried numerous ways
to force us to change. They likely tried to save us from ourselves and
sacrificed much in the process. As a result, they have created a pattern,
sometimes called co-dependency, that defines your relationship.
The AA Big Book has several chapters for
spouses, family, and employers regarding their response to an addict’s change
and commitment to recovery. It may be difficult for them to let go of taking
the lead in your recovery. They may be waiting for the other shoe to drop—and
it might. We are all imperfect and there is a chance that we might repeat our
bad behaviors again. Family may have a great deal of confidence and faith in our transformation—many have spent hours on their knees on our behalf. But the
painful past has wounded them as well and they will need time to develop a new
trusting relationship with you. A relationship based on the new you. The road
to recovery and transformation is difficult for everyone on the journey. Sometimes
the people closest to us develop parallel addictions to patterns of “pain,
suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.“ (The Language of Letting Go, MelodyBeattie, 1990 The Hazeldon Foundation, page 4 ) You are free to take care of
yourself now and you are free to also determine what your relationship with family and friends will look like in the future. I suggest some patience as each of you
adjusts to the new you.
Some suggested do’s and don’ts on how to react to
people who may question your transformation:
Don’t feel guilty about your own
transformation journey. Don’t let shame weigh you down. Acknowledge the truth
about your past behavior and your sins and the effect that behavior has had on
others. You are still imperfect, but through a relationship with a loving,
caring, and forgiving God you can keep moving forward.
Don’t try to convince family and friends
that you have changed—show them by living a different life by respecting their
pain, disappointment, and fears. Give them the same time to change that they
may have given you. Concentrate on developing new relationships with another person
or group of people who are on the road to transformation and with whom you can
share your healing walk.
And finally, be open to what those who know
you best have to say. It may be God’s way of telling you that there is still
work to do. Maybe there are still amends to make. Maybe you are clinging
to some old habits that your family and friends fear will draw you off this new
path. And if you believe that neither of those things is true, consider a way
to lovingly distance yourself and to set healthy boundaries. Pray through periods
of uncertainty and seek others who will pray with you as well. Above all else,
seek the truth and have a willingness to take action.
If
one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every
part rejoices with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26)
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