The Value of Friendship

I haven’t always had many friends. I am fortunate to have three special friends from my childhood. Unfortunately we are scattered across the United States and don’t have the luxury of spending time together. When I was younger it was difficult to have friends because there were so many family secrets to keep hidden. And there were my secrets to hide as well.  It was difficult until a few years ago to trust people, to let my guard down, and to be ‘real’ with them. I have learned that unlike with family, I don’t  have to be perfect between friends, I just have to be me. 

  

In Boundaries and Your Friends By Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend they define friendship as a word that:

“…conjures up images of intimacy, fondness, and a mutual drawing together of two people. Friends are symbols of how meaningful our lives have been. The saddest people on earth are those who end their days with no relationships in which they are truly known and truly loved.

Friendship can be a broad category; most of the relation­ships mentioned in this book have friendship components. But for our purposes, let`s define friendship as a nonroman­tic relationship that is attachment-based rather than func­tion-based. In other words, let`s exclude relationships based on a common task, like work or ministry. Let`s look at friendship as comprising people we want to be around just for their own sake.”

 

The authors go on to describe the need for boundaries in our relationships and the complexity of maintaining friendships through disagreements—or even distance. Friendship requires commitment, and loving and caring for one another. The authors write: “The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that`s the one thing we can`t control.”

 Friendships mean more to me today than ever before. My family relationship has become “function-based” in recent years—we felt compelled to spend time together on holidays but not much more than that. An unresolved misunderstanding several years ago split my family apart and the desire to get beyond the disagreement and to be together as a family unit doesn’t appear to be there today.  Many assumptions have been made but because we are a family that doesn’t talk about these things, there has been no opportunity to put it behind us.  It has taken me a while to process the hurt and the loss of my family but with the love and support of my friends I am building a new family.  I miss feeling a part of my family of origin—the family dinners at holidays, the vacations together, the sharing of important moments in their lives, but now I have good friends with whom I am building new memories. More importantly, I have friends with whom I can share whatever is going on in my life without judgment.  They know things that I have never been able to share with my family and they feel free to share similar things with me.  

 “Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

One of the greatest examples of friendship is that between David and Jonathan. Jonathan stood up to his father who relentlessly attacked David. David was far from perfect. Saul had been given the gift to lead his people, but Saul did things to pump himself up and twisted the truth to cover up his own bad choices. He was mostly motivated by what made him look good. David had slain Goliath and had become a hero overnight—upstaging Saul. Saul’s son, Jonathan, likely about David’s age, held the same values and faith as David. He disapproved of his father’s actions and saw past the stories Saul spun about his friend.  Jonathan would align himself against his father in one of the greatest friendships ever known. Jonathan stood by David until his death. Later in his life David would be an adulterer and murder. And he would, by the grace of God, turn his life around and become a new man.
 

My hope for you today is that you will take the risk and surround yourself with a few good friends. Build relationships with people you can talk about the good and bad things in your lives. Find friends who will hold you accountable for your actions and love you through your imperfection. My closet friends transcend work or my faith or my family or my financial status. We are happy just to be in each others company and to share this journey of life.  If you are suffering a loss or change in your family structure, seek out a new family. Many start in their church, synagogue, place of worship or support group. There you will find people with similar world views and value systems—and hopefully acceptance. Find a place where you can experience spiritual growth and learn forgiveness and hope. Find people who know that none of us are perfect but will take the journey with you to be all God wants you to be. 

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” (Henri Nowen)

References:

  

(May 19, 2008 ·http://pjlighthouse.info/2008/05/boundaries-and-your-friends-by-dr-henry-cloud-dr-john-townsend/, retrieved 08/22/2020) 

F. Scott Fitzgerald 

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Read more of Henri Nouwen at:  http://thinkexist.com/quotes/henri_nouwen/