When Your Past Comes Back to Haunt You

Have you ever worked through an issue in your life and felt that you had left a bad behavior in the past, only to have the memories of the past surface, leaving you to question if you had indeed changed? Have you ever had someone throw your past mistakes in your face, renewing your shame and causing you to question your transformation? Has your recovery been questioned because you aren’t the person that others think you should be? 

It happens.

 Inside we know that we are imperfect. We know we have sinned. If we have done some 12 step work, we have looked our character defects square in the eye and have done our best to make amends for our actions. We know that we are a work in progress on the road to redemption and restoration. We are still not perfect and we don’t have an eraser big enough to wipe away all the things we have done in the past. We can’t erase the memories from our own minds let alone those of our friends and family. But we also don’t need to stay trapped there.

What we can do, according to Dr. Larry Crabb, is build healing healthy relationships. The first relationship to establish is one with God. For me that means a daily relationship with Jesus Christ. The relationship with God is the purest of all relationships. There is no hiding our past. There is no hiding our present struggles. There is, however, a supernatural love and forgiveness that sets a foundation for how we interact with others in our life. 

 Clearly, God’s promise to give the whole earth to Abraham and his descendants was based not on his obedience to God’s law, but on a right relationship with God that comes by faith.  (Romans 4:13)

People from our past have witnessed the worst of times in our lives. We probably caused them a great deal of pain and disappointment. They probably rescued us more than once and tried numerous ways to force us to change. They likely tried to save us from ourselves and sacrificed much in the process. As a result, they have created a pattern, sometimes called co-dependency, that defines your relationship. 

The AA Big Book has several chapters for spouses, family, and employers regarding their response to an addict’s change and commitment to recovery. It may be difficult for them to let go of taking the lead in your recovery. They may be waiting for the other shoe to drop—and it might. We are all imperfect and there is a chance that we might repeat our bad behaviors again. Family may have a great deal of confidence and faith in our transformation—many have spent hours on their knees on our behalf. But the painful past has wounded them as well and they will need time to develop a new trusting relationship with you. A relationship based on the new you. The road to recovery and transformation is difficult for everyone on the journey. Sometimes the people closest to us develop parallel addictions to patterns of “pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.“ (The Language of Letting Go, MelodyBeattie, 1990 The Hazeldon Foundation, page 4 ) You are free to take care of yourself now and you are free to also determine what your relationship with family and friends will look like in the future. I suggest some patience as each of you adjusts to the new you.

Some suggested do’s and don’ts on how to react to people who may question your transformation:

Don’t feel guilty about your own transformation journey. Don’t let shame weigh you down. Acknowledge the truth about your past behavior and your sins and the effect that behavior has had on others. You are still imperfect, but through a relationship with a loving, caring, and forgiving God you can keep moving forward.  

Don’t try to convince family and friends that you have changed—show them by living a different life by respecting their pain, disappointment, and fears. Give them the same time to change that they may have given you. Concentrate on developing new relationships with another person or group of people who are on the road to transformation and with whom you can share your healing walk.

And finally, be open to what those who know you best have to say. It may be God’s way of telling you that there is still work to do. Maybe there are still amends to make. Maybe you are clinging to some old habits that your family and friends fear will draw you off this new path. And if you believe that neither of those things is true, consider a way to lovingly distance yourself and to set healthy boundaries. Pray through periods of uncertainty and seek others who will pray with you as well. Above all else, seek the truth and have a willingness to take action.

 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26)

Make a New List

I don’t know about you, but I’m a list maker. I make a list for grocery shopping, for upcoming events, for my budget, and all sorts of “to do” lists. I make lists for where I want to be in the future, be it debt free, slimmer, educated, or living somewhere else. Lists for the things I want to accomplish in life. 

I seldom reach all the long-term life goals I set out on my lists.  

I was watching the TV show Brothers and Sisters the other day. It’s about a family that exemplifies how our best laid plans can be undone in a moment and send us off in a completely new direction. Justin, the youngest son in the family is an addict and war vet who has fought his way to sobriety and service in his community. As his 30^th birthday approaches he shares his list of things he wanted to accomplish by the time he turned 30. A list he didn’t come close to completing because of his struggles. He feels that he is a failure for letting his behaviors get in the way of accomplishing his goals. His older brother takes the list and tells him to:

“Make a new list!”

I think all of us have those moments in life where things hit us out of the blue:

The end of a relationship that we planned to last a life time.

The unexpected death of someone close to us.

The degree we never completed.

The child who had physical or mental challenges.

The job that ended before we could retire.

The budget that went out the window because of some unforeseen emergency.

The addiction that gripped us. 

There I go—making my list of potential disasters. It’s what we do in the midst of those unexpected changes that seem beyond our control. It’s the foundation we build to will carry us through those time when life goes left when we had the right turn signal on. 

One of my favorite versus is: “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” (Proverbs 16:9 ) It reminds me that planning is a balancing act between setting goals for our future and staying in today—accepting that God may lead us in a new direction. 

We do need to make plans. It is important to know where we are heading and what changes we need to make in our lives. Are you trying to get out of debt? Do you have a budget and someone who holds you accountable for your spending habits? Are you in recovery from an addition? Do you have a meeting to attend and people with whom you can share your journey? Are you looking for a new job, a new house, or a new car? Do you want to spend more time in ministry? Plan how you will get there, but get there a day at a time. And if you slip off the path on the way there, for whatever reason, get back on the path as soon as you can. 

Before you make a new list, I would like to challenge you to spend some time in prayer first. And then repeat the process every day, asking for God’s guidance, seeking wisdom reading your bible, and stepping into the day with the assurance that God goes before you and with you every step of the way.  Matthew recounts the words of Jesus in Matthew 6: 25-34: 

⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Do what you can do today and don't be afraid to shift directions and make a new list!!

Go the Distance

In the middle of my favorite movie, Field of Dreams, the character Ray hears a message: “Go the Distance.” Accompanying him is retired author and reclusive, Terrance Mann. Terrance at first denies hearing the message only to admit later that he has shared the vision with Ray. For me there are many parallels in the meaning of “go the distance” and my journey of transformation. I am fortunate that others have shared the message, the vision, and the journey with me.  I’m blessed that others waited for me to hear the message.

When Ray and Terrance Mann commit to a journey of discovery neither of them know exactly what they are looking for or where the road will take them. I think that is true for a journey of change or recovery. Often we have to step out in faith, united with those that have gone before or those that are willing to nudge us to where God is leading. I know for me that I have to surround myself with people of faith that will help me to find my way. I need friends who are willing to go the distance with me. 

  

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. (Philippians 3:12, NLT)

My journey over the years has been full of fits and starts; misfits and failures, screw-ups and bad choices. But my journey also includes second chances, success, right choices, and redemption.  

Press on to the goal. Perfection is out of our reach but having the courage to constantly move forward, and to come closer to having our defects of character removed is something to work toward. In the remainder of the verse (3:12-21) Paul attempts to strengthen the faith of those listening to grow and to let the past be in the past. Paul talks about his desire to reach the end of the race and to receive the gift from God.  He advises that we should follow good examples and pattern our life after people who have let go and who trust in the Lord to change them. 

Go the distance—See it through—to what God has in store. 

I have a wonderful friend who didn’t think she could see it through. The pain was too much. The old tapes kept playing. She was coming to believe that it was better to give in than go through. Yet somewhere in her heart God whispered to her to hang on—to go the distance. And she did. It was not easy. She didn’t do it herself. She drew on every resource possible to try one last time. And God heard her cries. He provided the resources she needed to make it through. Her friends and family encouraged her.  Today she is on the other side of the insurmountable pain she felt. Her world is not perfect by any means. But she went the distance and today has hope for a new future—a future with love and life. 

I encourage you to see it through. GO THE DISTANCE. Let God take you through the fire and out the other side. Let the refiner’s fire reshape you and your world. And if someone you know is feeling hopeless, go the distance with them. Share your story. Share your redemption. Share your blessings and keep doing it until they get through the other side. You will both be amazed by what might happen!!

Worry weighs a person down;   an encouraging word cheers a person up. (Proverbs 12:25)

The Value of Friendship

I haven’t always had many friends. I am fortunate to have three special friends from my childhood. Unfortunately we are scattered across the United States and don’t have the luxury of spending time together. When I was younger it was difficult to have friends because there were so many family secrets to keep hidden. And there were my secrets to hide as well.  It was difficult until a few years ago to trust people, to let my guard down, and to be ‘real’ with them. I have learned that unlike with family, I don’t  have to be perfect between friends, I just have to be me. 

  

In Boundaries and Your Friends By Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend they define friendship as a word that:

“…conjures up images of intimacy, fondness, and a mutual drawing together of two people. Friends are symbols of how meaningful our lives have been. The saddest people on earth are those who end their days with no relationships in which they are truly known and truly loved.

Friendship can be a broad category; most of the relation­ships mentioned in this book have friendship components. But for our purposes, let`s define friendship as a nonroman­tic relationship that is attachment-based rather than func­tion-based. In other words, let`s exclude relationships based on a common task, like work or ministry. Let`s look at friendship as comprising people we want to be around just for their own sake.”

 

The authors go on to describe the need for boundaries in our relationships and the complexity of maintaining friendships through disagreements—or even distance. Friendship requires commitment, and loving and caring for one another. The authors write: “The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that`s the one thing we can`t control.”

 Friendships mean more to me today than ever before. My family relationship has become “function-based” in recent years—we felt compelled to spend time together on holidays but not much more than that. An unresolved misunderstanding several years ago split my family apart and the desire to get beyond the disagreement and to be together as a family unit doesn’t appear to be there today.  Many assumptions have been made but because we are a family that doesn’t talk about these things, there has been no opportunity to put it behind us.  It has taken me a while to process the hurt and the loss of my family but with the love and support of my friends I am building a new family.  I miss feeling a part of my family of origin—the family dinners at holidays, the vacations together, the sharing of important moments in their lives, but now I have good friends with whom I am building new memories. More importantly, I have friends with whom I can share whatever is going on in my life without judgment.  They know things that I have never been able to share with my family and they feel free to share similar things with me.  

 “Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

One of the greatest examples of friendship is that between David and Jonathan. Jonathan stood up to his father who relentlessly attacked David. David was far from perfect. Saul had been given the gift to lead his people, but Saul did things to pump himself up and twisted the truth to cover up his own bad choices. He was mostly motivated by what made him look good. David had slain Goliath and had become a hero overnight—upstaging Saul. Saul’s son, Jonathan, likely about David’s age, held the same values and faith as David. He disapproved of his father’s actions and saw past the stories Saul spun about his friend.  Jonathan would align himself against his father in one of the greatest friendships ever known. Jonathan stood by David until his death. Later in his life David would be an adulterer and murder. And he would, by the grace of God, turn his life around and become a new man.
 

My hope for you today is that you will take the risk and surround yourself with a few good friends. Build relationships with people you can talk about the good and bad things in your lives. Find friends who will hold you accountable for your actions and love you through your imperfection. My closet friends transcend work or my faith or my family or my financial status. We are happy just to be in each others company and to share this journey of life.  If you are suffering a loss or change in your family structure, seek out a new family. Many start in their church, synagogue, place of worship or support group. There you will find people with similar world views and value systems—and hopefully acceptance. Find a place where you can experience spiritual growth and learn forgiveness and hope. Find people who know that none of us are perfect but will take the journey with you to be all God wants you to be. 

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” (Henri Nowen)

References:

  

(May 19, 2008 ·http://pjlighthouse.info/2008/05/boundaries-and-your-friends-by-dr-henry-cloud-dr-john-townsend/, retrieved 08/22/2020) 

F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/family.html#VlXaWTe2OjrFZxZi.99

Read more of Henri Nouwen at:  http://thinkexist.com/quotes/henri_nouwen/